What Is This Life?

If your first thought is “Oh wow, where has this blog been?”, well, you probably need more hobbies. But read on, and maybe you’ll figure it out. Or maybe I will. Bear with me though, its relevance to theatre may be obscured by philosophical musings and too much personal information. Also . . . it may get a little rambly up in here.

Yesterday afternoon, a young teenager who shall remain nameless and may or may not be related to me, had an existential meltdown while I was trying to watch tv. He was quite loud about it, so despite my best efforts to remain invested in my Very Important TV Show, I was left with no choice but to pause it and focus on the hysterical teen who had planted himself between me and the screen. (What is this?? I thought this was a theatre blog, not another mommy blog!! Hush it. I’m getting there, and no one said it was my son.)

Kidding aside, this nameless young man couldn’t initially articulate the source of his angst, but with some prodding and much rambling, it soon came to light, and can best be summed up (in my words) as the terrified question: “What is this life? What is this path I’m on?”

And I connected, instantly, with his pain.

I let him continue to talk, but I didn’t need him to. I could have scripted every word that flowed from his heart: This life doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t do what I’m expected to do. My life is going to be ruined. 

Society and our parents (most of our parents) firmly believe that there is only one right path in life, only one sequence of events that leads to a “good life”.  Do A, then B, then C, then D and you’ll get a nice pat on the head and a “Good boy”. Keeping in mind that I'm not talking about where you end up - but how you get there. Of course, there’s a reason – for millions of people, that IS the formula for happiness and success. They get exactly what they want out of life by doing all the “right” things.  They prove that the formula works.

But there are some of us, I don’t know how many, for whom that path leads to misery. A lifelong struggle to find happiness and success without ever realizing that it lay down an entirely different path, one that we left behind ages ago and may never get a chance to find again. One that we would have found by making decisions that would have been roundly disapproved of by those who care about us. And there I was, sitting there with one of those people, someone who still had his whole life ahead of him, as he hesitantly outlined the path he wanted to take. A path that meant taking actions that go against everything we are told is “right”, that society would scream “Noooo! You’ll ruin your life if you do that!” Yet, I couldn’t help but think “You’ll ruin your life if you don’t.”

I said the one thing no responsible parent would ever say to their child (not that I was talking to my son. Or that I even have a son.) I said “Do it.” The relief that flooded his face was matched wholly by the relief that flooded my heart. He had a plan. He had looked into himself, out to his future, down at the path he was on, and had the guts to say “I want to get off.” Will it be easy? No. Will society shake its head and lament another lost soul who got it all wrong? Probably. Will this theoretical, unnamed teenager care? Oh, no. No, he won’t. 

Over the last several months, faced with unexpected failures and forced to confront my place in this world we call The Theatre, I’ve found myself questioning nearly every decision I’ve made since decisions were mine to make.  If I had had the self-awareness and courage to make the wrong decisions when I had the chance, maybe I wouldn’t be someone who has lived with the misery of relegating theatre to the status of hobby. The wrong decision I did make – getting pregnant in college, becoming a single mom – has brought me the satisfaction of seeing a young man become, in this instance, my role model – my hero. 

What is this life?  I wish I could answer that for myself.